The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
