i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
