I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
