i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
