I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
