I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
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