Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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