I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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