theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She bit a glass in half.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
