This is not my ceiling
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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