there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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