Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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