the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my phone needs a breathalizer
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
