um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
