So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
