Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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