i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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