Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
