I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im holly from the hills drunk
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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