did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Woke up backwards on a recliner
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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