The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
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YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.