someone get that fucking seahorse.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
