Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
smell my finger.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep