So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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