Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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