somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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