btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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