I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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