Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
