Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
