I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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