Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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