I wish my penis had an off switch
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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