How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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