dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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