You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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