when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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