my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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