I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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