btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
