If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
