I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
