After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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