Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
