I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm too high and old for this...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
