I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
