I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
