no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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