My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
