so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
