omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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