i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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