Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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