is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
