I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how can u be prego again
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
