WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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