I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
