u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
