I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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