I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
