i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
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If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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